Director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) tries to elevate the material to Lord of the Rings calibre, with several gratuitous aerial fly-over shots and a suitably brooding score from Rings composer Howard Shore. But, somehow, infuriatingly, and against all probably odds, Eclipse is still an interminable snooze-fest. The first three-quarters are like New Moon all over again (ie, Chinese water torture). The story threatens to throw some action at us, but waits until the very end to do so, and it’s not nearly enough to save the movie.
While watching the three leading characters squabble over who loves who the most, I decided to try identifying why these movies are so awful, and I dare say I’ve figured it out. There’s no nuance. No subtext. No interpretation. No subtlety. In short, no sophistication whatsoever. You know exactly what the characters are thinking because they scream it at you.. over and over and over again, and for two more God-forsaken movies. And all you know about them (quite literally) is that they either love or hate each other. Who is Bella? Who is Edward? Who is Jacob? Fuck if I know. I just know they all have curiously strong feelings for one another and an improbable commitment to celibacy. When I try to think of something just as pointed and shallow, the only thing that comes to mind is pornography.
In any case, I don’t plan on reviewing any more Twilight movies, because then I’d have to watch them. And I think I’d rather a dog fart in my face fourteen times than sit through another one.
Scott studied film and sociology at Indiana University and is currently the video producer for a large publishing company. He is the director of several independent films, including "House of Hope," "Off the Beaten Path," "The Day Joe Left," and "Found." For more about Scott, visit www.scottschirmer.com. Scott is also one of the principal organizers of the Dark Carnival Film Festival. (www.darkcarnivalfilmfest.com)