Film Review: Twilight New Moon (2009)

new moon

I’m pretty sure this one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. It basically boils down to a trio of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers who cry and whine for two hours because they’re afraid to fuck each other. One of the boys is a werewolf, the other is a vampire, and for some god-forsaken inexplicable reason, they both have the hots for Bella, the most boring, unspecial, and mean-faced girl on the planet. There’s enough lip biting going on here to summon an orgy of Caligula proportions, but nothing ever comes of it. Nada. Nothing — which kinda makes Twilight the cinematic equivalent of blue balls.

And the main girl? Man, do I have issues with this chick. And anyone even remotely feminist should have them, too. As depicted in New Moon, this girl is in MASSIVE need of some serious fucking. If she doesn’t get laid soon, I don’t know what’s going to happen. She might explode and take us all with her. It’s infuriating to watch a young female character so out of control, so head over heels in love (or, more truthfully, infatuation) with a boy, that she’s willing to kill herself. If I ever meet Stephanie Myer (Meyer? who gives a shit), I think I’d have to fight pretty hard to resist the urge to cut her.

The icing on the cake — what truly sends this movie into the category of ‘legendarily awful’ — is a hilarious montage in which Bella (the ever shit-faced Kristen Stewart) just shakes in her bed, sobbing and moaning, because she needs laid so bad. That’s how bad she needs it — it literally hurts. Bella also sits in a chair and stares out a window for, literally, THREE WHOLE MONTHS, while her lily rots on the vine. I’m not exaggerating here. THE SEASONS CHANGE while this sad, pathetic young woman rocks back and forth, stewing in her own juices. Yeah. I’m so glad girls and young women have such a terrific role model to look up to.

I already knew the Twilight franchise was super-dumb and irresponsible, but I didn’t expect this sequel to also be so damned super-boring. They should have combined books two and three into one movie, or, God, I don’t know — not made the movies in the first place? The characters are shallow, the plot in this second movie is non-existent, and the “heavy” romance that sends so many young girls into fits of ecstasy is so superficial and over-the-top, it plays like nothing more than really bad soap opera.

No matter how climactic it ends up being, there’s no possible way Bella and Edward’s ugly-bumping will make up for the tedious, multi-movie mess that precedes it.

Rating: 1/5 ★☆☆☆☆ 

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About Scott_S

Scott studied film and sociology at Indiana University and is currently the video producer for a large publishing company. He is the director of several independent films, including "House of Hope," "Off the Beaten Path," "The Day Joe Left," and "Found." For more about Scott, visit www.scottschirmer.com. Scott is also one of the principal organizers of the Dark Carnival Film Festival. (www.darkcarnivalfilmfest.com)

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