The Zombie Defense Industry

ZOMBIE

Several months ago you might remember my review of Zombie Nation, a magazine devoted entirely to “zombie preppers” without even the slightest hint of tongue-in-cheek. Ever since zombies hit the mainstream, businesses and organizations have been playing on the public’s real world fears (terrorist attacks, natural disaster, home invasion) and our fascination with an entirely fictional (so far) zombie apocalypse, as a means to market a variety of products – everything from backpacks and energy bars to guns and ammunition.  Even the CDC got in on the game by publishing their own survival guide, “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic.”

One of the more unusual of these advertisements shambled into my email just this morning, from CB Structures, Inc. – a company that makes pole barns. Of all the marketing I’ve seen that capitalizes on the zombie apocalypse craze, this one is actually one of the more thought out and informative, so I thought I’d share it. By the time you get to the end, you’ll probably be scoping out a place in your backyard to build your own mini-barn/zombie fortress. (You can read the original ad/article here: www.cbstructuresinc.com.)

They’re coming, and they’re coming fast…well, actually, they’re slowly shambling at a relentess pace, lusting after your flesh, blood, and brains with a mindless zeal. If Science Fiction and Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that we’re only one super virus, unleashed plague, or designer drug away from the Zombie Apocalypse!

The bad news is the plague of flesh-ripping, brain-eating zombies is multiplying and spreading quickly, and it’s only a matter of time before they spread to the U.S.

The good news – you were just about to begin construction on your new pole barn …and with a few adjustments, it might just be the key to your survival.

Read on for our official, comprehensive guide to preparing your pole barn for the Zombie Apocalypse. Our expert advice is provided, along with:

  • Pole barn design tips
  • A 15-point food and equipment stocking checklist
  • A 10-point weapon stocking checklist
  • Tips for assembling a survival team Post-apocalypse strategies

Designing Your Pole Barn to Survive a Zombie Attack
First things first – make sure your pole barn has a strong wooden or steel frame and posts approximately 4’ to 5’ deep with thick concrete footing and gravel backfill. Zombies use their strong, dead hands to grip, grasp, and tear their way into buildings; so seamless steel sheeting for the walls is recommended. Wood would be simple for them to tear through, so steel is your best bet – plus it’s easy to hose down to clean away the zombie guts.

Typically, one of the advantages of a pole building is that they don’t require a concrete foundation/flooring – and therefore are cheaper to build then other structures. In this case, since soon enough your money will be useless, you might has well pay the extra money for a solid concrete floor. The last thing you want to wake up to in the middle of the night is a trio of zombies tunneling under your walls and into your fortress!

Next, make sure your windows are all on the second level, preferably over 15 feet off the ground. Many a home will be destroyed and its inhabitants eaten because of low, unfortified windows. Steel bars on the windows wouldn’t hurt either.

A two-story pole building would be ideal – or at the very least, build platforms around the walls (specifically under the windows) to be used as lookout and sniper platforms.

Since you’ll want to store some kind of transportation, make sure the barn doors are big enough to drive your vehicle through (preferably something big, tall, and useful for plowing through zombies). However, your doors are going to be your most vulnerable point so MAKE SURE they are steel with strong hinges. You’ll want bars, locks, and barricades up and down the door to make it as secure as possible.

Make sure you have storage room for food and supplies – planning ahead and stocking up is crucial to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse – and who knows how long you’ll be holed up and how much food you’ll need to stockpile.

Always plan for the worst scenario – which means an escape plan for the “holy crap, run for your life” situations. If you have the time, your best bet is to dig a tunnel underground that will leave you out far from your pole barn, which will be surrounded by zombies. Preferably a wooded area with lots of cover where you can stash survival supplies.

Last but not least, your roof should be mostly flat, which will allow you to cultivate a rooftop garden in case you’re stuck for the long haul. You will also need to set up a solar panel grid atop your compound to ensure you keep some power if your generator runs out. Include rain gutters that funnel into rain barrels, so you’ll always have a supply of drinking water. You will need to have these rain barrels off the ground so you can still access them while you’re under attack.

Stocking Your Pole Barn
It’s important to fully stock your barn for survival, so include all the basic food staples:

  • Cured and smoked meats that will stay long
  • Canned goods and nonperishable food stuffs
  • Beer and hard liquor (the beer to help you mentally remove yourself from the situation, and the hard liquor to celebrate and barter with once your ordeal is over and you’re getting used to the new world order)
  • Seeds and sprouts to plant in your garden Lots and lots of water (because you’ll pretty much be screwed if you live in a dry, arid area that doesn’t get much rain).

Next, stock up on plenty of equipment and necessities:

  • A generator and plenty of gas
  • Lanterns, flashlights and batteries
  • A CB radio to connect with other survivors
  • Blankets, extra clothes, and shoes
  • A first aid kit that includes antibiotics, ointments, and plenty of ibuprofen
  • A small grill or fire pit and charcoal
  • Cots or mattresses (after all, you want to survive the end of the world in comfort)
  • A tool box and plenty of extra materials to shore up weak points in your structure
  • Hunting knives, fishing line, and other hunting tools to use for hunting forays
  • A bad-ass zombie crushing car or SUV, complete with spare tires and parts

Weaponizing Your Pole Barn
You may have noticed the preceding list is missing one very important thing: WEAPONS. And lots of them. It’s not just about staying safe from the horde of zombies after you, it’s about taking out as many of the filthy, rotting SOBs as possible. Chances are, you don’t have an in with a black market gun runner or military connect, so grenades, rocket launchers, and fully automatic weapons are out of your reach.

With zombies, the goal is to completely “remove the head or destroy the brain” (thanks Shaun of the Dead), which will typically take them out. There may be a few hands or feet left creeping around, but so goes life.

Luckily, most people can figure out a way to get access to some serious zombie-killing weaponry in the form of:

Guns

  • Double barrel shotguns with plenty of ammunition (both slugs and buckshot) for close range combat.
  • Rifles with hollow point ammunition to take out zombies from afar.
  • Ammunition, ammunition, and more ammunition. Oh, and some ammunition.

Incendiaries

  • Molotov cocktails to set the suckers on fire (apparently dead flesh is pretty flammable.) Also, another great excuse for having case upon case of liquor!
  • A flamethrower or torch of some kind.

Close Range Weapons (for the up close and personal zombie fighter)

  • Louisville sluggers – the bat of choice for zombie killing aficionados.
  • A few axes for chopping off heads and slicing through limbs.
  • Rocks, bowling balls and other heavy objects that can be stored by windows to drop on unsuspecting victims.
  • Crowbars, which are useful as tools and brain bashing weapons.
  • Tire irons, for both brain smashing and tire changing.
  • Tactical tomahawks or crovel with a Z-Spike.

Choosing Your Survival Team
As with everything in life, it’s all about the people you know. The last thing you want to do it be holed up with a useless, hysterical mob.

Stay away from:

  • People in the entertainment industry* (actors, singers, models, etc.)
  • People in useless white collar trades like SEOs, marketing professionals, accountants, and salesmen
  • People who are overly bubbly or overly depressing (you’d wind up throwing them to the zombies eventually)

*The exception to this rule might be comedians…everyone needs a good laugh!

Your ideal team of Zombie Apocalypse survivors will include:

  • Someone with military and/or police experience, preferably an expert marksman
  • Someone with hunting/foraging experience
  • A nurse, doctor, or veterinarian (honestly, a vet might be your best bet if you also have livestock)
  • Someone with farming/gardening experience
  • A handyman who has mechanical experience
  • A genius who dabbles in everything from computers to mechanical engineering
  • A few “blue collar” folk not afraid to get their hands dirty, learn new things, and do some grunt work

Your Post-Zombie Apocalypse Plan
Once the zombie plague has been cured and/or you’ve gone at least 8 weeks or more without seeing a single zombie, you can safely assume you have survived the Zombie Apocalypse! (All thanks to your pole barn!)

Since you’ve officially survived the end of the world, it may be time to finally live out your dream of becoming a world-famous juggler of tree nuts or professional double dutch champion.

Once things have settled down a bit, convert your pole barn into a Zombie Apocalypse Museum to provide you with long-term income and a never-ending supply of kick-ass, zombie-killing bragging rights.

Sources:

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About Dave_P

Dave_P studied fine arts and film history and is a graphic and web designer, and a diehard movie fan. David has been involved with a variety film festivals including the Cinephile Film Festival, the PRIDE Film festival, and the Manhattan Short Film festival, and is currently the director of the Dark Carnival Film Fest in Bloomington, Indiana. (www.darkcarnivalfilmfest.com)

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